ridiculous office jargon

So, we're having some sort of Marketing "Pow-Wow" in a couple of weeks up at Noosa. I've been invited to go up there, which will be good if I can get a weekend away with M... Anyway, we've all been assigned a particular task and asked to give a little speech at the meeting... Mine, to be shared with the Registrar from Noosa is on "targeting our key demographic group online". So, we have to give a 20 minute talk on this and what we can do to be an industry leader etc. etc. *groan* You can imagine how thrilled I am to be given this task...
We have ignored the request for the past week, and now we are actually starting to freak out about this 20 minute talk... we're planning all sorts of evil plots to get out of it... such as fleeing to South Africa, I get to be the stow-away, reading out fairy tales, my fellow partner is a fan of Sleeping Beauty, I was thinking of reading a little golden book.. hehe... Baking scones and feeding that to them instead of talking..etc. etc.
Anyway, as a very helpful gesture, my boss decided to send through an explanation of what he expects from us, and some guidelines... Check it out:

Hi Liz and Linds

Since Linds is struggling to find anything to do on a slow enrolment day, here are some further guidelines to consider on your website presentation:

Ideally, any strategy will enable e-business mindshare, integrate transparent infrastructures and exploit best-of-breed web services in a fully brick-and-click value-added communities optimization environment. Through recontextualising vertical vortals, intuitive pictorial media and implementing other out of the box action items, it will empower a 24/365 uber-mindshare matrix.

The implemented functionality should retarget frictionless schemas through innovative intuitive models in such a way as to redefine impactful users and rescale current educational dot-com paradigms. It must continue to e-enable proactive paradigms and, ideally, expedite cross-platform ubiquitous marketing channels through meshing extensible infomediaries.

I hope that clarifies what we're after.

Cheers

*ahem*

After receiving this email, I then proceeded to wallop him around the head, and sent back a reply:

after ringing it through a thesaurus! Bloody weasel words!!! The translation of Ian’s ridiculously incomprehensible email…… still freakin’ hard to understand…

Hi Liz and Linds

Since Linds is struggling to find anything to do on a slow enrolment day, here are some further guidelines to consider on your website presentation:

Ideally, any strategy will enable electronic business (e-business) development of consumer awareness (mindshare), put together (integrate) clear (transparent) communications (infrastructures) and use (exploit) the best product of (best-of-breed) web services in a fully both offline and online (brick-and-click) value-added community (communities optimization environment). Through redefining (recontextualising) websites that provide gateways to information (vertical vortals), sensitive (intuitive) graphic (pictorial) media and implementing other out of the box action items, it will give power to (empower) a 24 hour a day, 365 days a year (24/365) ultimate development of consumer awareness (uber-mindshare) mold (matrix).

The implemented functionality should retarget smooth (frictionless) foundations (schemas) through original (innovative) instinctive (intuitive) models in such a way as to redefine influential (impactful) users and rescale current educational dot-com examples (paradigms). It must continue to electronically enable (e-enable) hands-on (proactive) examples (paradigms) and, ideally, speed up (expedite) cross-platform ever-present (ubiquitous) marketing channels through interconnecting (meshing) flexible (extensible) middle-men (infomediaries).

Thanks so much Ian! Your fantastic explanation has helped us a lot…

So, if anyone has any ideas on how they heck we can approach this subject, feel free to send them my way!!!!!
*gulp*

letter for tiger

Isn't it cool when you first move into a place and you get mail??! I got a little package today in the mail... Some sweet little candle holders! Thank you Kerstin! I have them up in my apartment already. And thanks to Papa for sending the nut and the shifter... most appreciated! Mail is so sweet.. I had forgotten just how special it is to get a letter!
The phone is finally working... had slight issues getting it connected, and almost had to get a technician to come out and check the cable, but then it fixed itself.. love it when things fix themselves.... :) And I just got an email from my new internet provider... Internet is connected too! I will run home tonight and connect it all up. (Its not like I haven't been disconnected anyway, with this free wireless I found, but I think my connection will be a lot quicker than the wireless one we are currently using).

OH! More news... I handed in an introductory letter to Pam (my schools director of studies) to start my trainee teaching here!!! Finally, I am going to get that going... I have 7 hours of teaching to complete, 2 hours of observation and around 20 hours of preparation... (how they mark that I do not know. Preparation time.. that means me preparing lessons... I'll just kind of whip them up... hehe...) Anyway, it will be scary, and I hope I can teach well... I'm already asking other teachers for advice! So, good luck to me!